Body Positive – Part 3 of 4

My eating disorder, which, yes, now in hindsight, I know that’s what it was, didn’t go away just because I was pregnant. I was so afraid of becoming this huge blob of a person that I continued to exercise daily and I still didn’t eat like I should have. I tried (or at least I would fake it when people started noticing). I would ask for the things I was craving. I would force myself to eat. I knew I had to, but it wasn’t until I ended up in the hospital after a car accident when I was 8 months pregnant that it got through to my head.

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They told me that my son was only 4 lbs and 3 oz. and for being 8+ months pregnant, this was too low of a weight. I of course blamed myself. I knew it was my own doing. I did this to him. It was my fault. THAT, I couldn’t live with. So, I started eating like I was supposed to. He was born a few weeks later at a healthy weight and all was right with the world.

Until, it hit me a few days after he was born, that he was no longer my excuse and I couldn’t eat anymore. I just had to stop, because food was bad. So, I went back to the way I was. I lied when I had to and worked out when I could. Then after a few years of not being able to lose the baby weight and just overall not feeling well, I went to the doctor about some pains in my stomach. I was then told that I had PCOS; PolyCystic Ovary Syndrome. Sounds, fun, right? It freaking sucks. So, I’m told, here, take like 3 different meds and they will help with the weight gain and pains. It will go away after 3 months.
PCOS
^ Small list of extensive symptoms
Well, in case you weren’t aware, like innocent little me… It doesn’t go away. It can be treated, it can be monitored, hell, even some of the symptoms can stop, but it doesn’t just “go away” and worst of all, it affects EVERYthing. Your weight, your mood, your fertility; your hormones are just all kinds of crazy.

The bad thing is, I stopped taking the meds after a few months because they said it would just go away and I believed them. I didn’t learn that this wasn’t possible until years later when I did my own research and I realized nothing had really changed. Sadly, by the time I found this out, I had also gotten my severe childhood asthma back, been diagnosed with Hypothyroidism and gained about 100 lbs. At that point, I was literally 2 of me. I tried eating right, eating less, cutting things out, following plans, dieting, working out, pills, shakes, teas. There wasn’t much I didn’t try. Nothing worked. It was beyond frustrating and just added to the stress and depression that had come along for the ride.

One of the hardest things to go through was the infertility. Me and my husband had been trying to conceive for about 5 years with no success. I had just about given up. And then, BAM! I’m getting pains in my stomach, I take a trip out to the hospital and they tell me I’m pregnant. Like, what?!?!?

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Then I’m told that I’m high risk. That my weight will be a problem. That I need to do something about it. (As if I haven’t been trying to do something about it for the last 10 years!) So, I go to doctors, specialists, go on a special diet and surprise, surprise, I start losing weight. Like, a lot of weight. I wasn’t eating much more or less than I had been before the pregnancy. I was being less active than before since I was having sciatica issues and yet, the pounds just dropped.

By the end of the pregnancy, I had lost nearly 50 pounds, just for being pregnant. I was beyond excited. Nervous, because I didn’t want to hurt my little one, but just thrilled that finally, I was on track to actually losing weight. I thought, hell yeah! The weight will finally just drop. My daughter was born the right weight and was just perfect. I left that hospital with hopes of finally being able to get back to being someone I was happy with.
workit
I was wrong. WAY wrong. After having her, I gained it all back pretty quickly. Within a year, even without changing my habits from my pregnancy, it ALL came back. I followed the same diet and even exercised. I just didn’t understand. It didn’t make any sense to me, and I was so utterly disappointed.

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