Ever since then (and even before all of this) my doctor’s visits would go something like this: “What did you come in for?”, “Well, doctor, I’m experiencing (Insert ailment here).” “Well, if you lose weight, this will fix it?” “Okay, but my (asthma/hormones/back) really make this difficult and I just want some help with either meds to get my symptoms under control so I can begin working out or guidance on what to do at this point.” “Well, you only have X,Y,Z, because you need to lose weight.” “Yes but how do I lose weight when I can’t because of XYZ?” “Well, X,Y,Z, won’t be a problem if you just lose the weight. Come back to me when you’ve lost the weight.”
Ummm, say what? How does that make any sense? Please, anyone, tell me how this has any logic to it.
I am now at a point, where I am no better mentally than I was when I was a kid. I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror. I hate being in pictures. Shopping for anything that involves a waist or grabby fabric is my personal hell. I don’t want people to notice me. Most of the time, I don’t want people to even see me.
I don’t want to be invited out anywhere, because I look the way I do. I don’t want to go on trips, because I don’t want to have to figure out ways to say no to activities that I may want to do but know I can’t or just am too scared to try because I would have to put my fat out there. I don’t want to be in public. I don’t want people to visit because I don’t want them to see what I look like when I’m not trying. I just want to hide from the world because I look disgusting.
I don’t want to eat in front of other people because I assume they are all thinking that THAT is the reason I am fat. I don’t want to talk to people because I assume that they are thinking how ugly I look; my face, my stomach, my arms, my legs; everything. I assume that everyone is judging me and seeing all of the flaws that I see.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand this is irrational. I get that. But, this is why I’m writing this. This is why I’m writing everything. I want to be honest with everyone. I want to be honest with myself. I know this isn’t about YOU. This is about ME. I need to stop. I need to fix myself and become one of those women that I so admire. Everyone has their own personal expectations. Some people are happy in the skin they’re in; some want to change.
That’s all I want. I want to change. I want to feel as beautiful as my husband thinks I am. I want to stop being that 12-year-old girl who looks in the mirror and wants to cry because she isn’t happy with what she sees. For once in my life, I want to be okay.
I just have to figure out how to make that happen…