I have slept in my king sized bed alone for the last two nights and I still have 1 more night to go. I’m not normally a very emotional person. I don’t carry my heart on my sleeve. I have never been the type of person to miss somebody. It’s not a feeling that I’m used to. My husband knows this. He knows that I miss my kids and I miss my parents but it never really goes further than that. I do just fine on my own. I can be alone without being lonely. It’s not to say that I don’t miss my husband; it is just a different kind of miss. I love him so much. I have never felt as though he would not come back to me. I have never doubted his love for me, his devotion or our relationship. Until last year…
He went out of town last year and there was an incident that tested our relationship. It wasn’t enough to end our marriage but it brought up issues that had to be resolved and spoken out loud. Things that we may have never discussed or even knew existed until this moment. Now before I continue, I have to say that I have put my husband through so much unnecessary anguish and pain that he never deserved. Due to immaturity, anger and stupidity. Our relationship has been stretched to its limits. We have walked through fire together and ended up stronger than before. Something happened on this trip of of his that caused him to question everything. I felt blindsided and lost and all I wanted to do was make him feel better.
All that mattered to me was that he was okay. After this trip, there were challenging times but it made us better. We communicated better, we showed each other more affection than we had in years. We compromised and rebuilt the foundation of our relationship the way it should have been nearly 10 years ago. We got closer. Our love was stronger. Our relationship was better and our happiness never wavered. I have never doubted that he was the one for me. I always knew that all of the firsts in my life that I could experience with him were reserved for our time together.
This trip he is currently on is the first trip since the last. I thought I would be OK. I had been OK for dozens of other trips. I have never been the type of person to feel like he can only be with me or that he can only take trips with me. I have always done my best to let him be an individual. Because if he is happy then I’m happy.
I have never wanted to be clingy or controlling or over-protective. I just didn’t realize how much it would hurt for him to be gone. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am in an empty house and instead of relishing in the quiet; I’m lonely.
I know that logically he is going to be coming back and in my brain and in my heart, I know that he wants to come back. But yet, there are these irrational fears that he will come back just so he could leave again. And that is not something that I could handle. I need him in my life; as my husband and my best friend and the father of my children. My life is so incredibly empty without him. At the same time, I realize that my feeling this way is unfair and my insecurities should never affect him. I placed myself in this situation. I hurt him to the point that he wanted to walk away. And now all I can think of is when is the next time he will want to walk away. I have cried tears that I didn’t even know were there and have had realizations that I didn’t know I needed. This isn’t a bad thing in any way. It just makes me wonder; How do you stop yourself from thinking that, he wanted to leave once, so why won’t he want to leave again?
It’s such a difficult personal battle that I am so unfamiliar with. This is unknown territory for me and I see these people, young and old who are so nonchalant about the things they do. They hurt the “ones they love” and they toss them aside like it’s nothing. They just never realize how much of an impact their actions make. The words they say, the things they do and sometimes the things they don’t do. They all have meaning. They all have their repercussions and maybe it doesn’t affect them now. Maybe it won’t ever affect them, but I can guarantee that all of those things will affect that other person in ways that they may not even realize until long into the future.
Actions always have consequences; especially in relationships. I see so many young people who are “dating” and go through these grown up things and with an impressionable mind like theirs, I can’t imagine how they handle everything. Everything is a lesson. Just another stepping stone in life’s journey and this is one lesson that I am not having fun learning.